Why I Thrive on Chaos (or How I Got my Groove Back)

Someone recently asked me what I was up to these days. When I gave them the rundown on everything I was working on, they shot me an odd look and asked, “How do you manage to handle all of that?”

To be honest, I didn’t really have an answer for them.

In my everyday life as a wife and mother, I am extremely organized. I have a set time and process for everything I do. Chores, errands, my kids’ work and school schedules, and meals. If I deviate from that timetable whatsoever, my entire day will be off-kilter and I can’t function. And yet, I can’t seem to place that kind of strict roster to my writing and YouTube commitments.

And somehow, I am still able to juggle it all without getting confused or behind.

So, I decided to delve into my own psyche and my obsessive qualities to get to the root of why that is—a little self-analysis, as it were.

And after some deep self-reflection, I’ve come to the following conclusion.

I’m nuts.

Yep. No other explanation. It’s almost as if I am two separate people. My personal life as a wife and mother are one personality. She needs structure, order, and utter control. I literally tell myself multiple times a day, “If you want something done correctly, do it yourself,” even when I know damn well that other people are perfectly capable of doing what needs to be done. But for some reason, it’s difficult to let go. In the process, I place a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect.

And then there’s my professional life.

She’s a whole different person.

That woman tosses a lot of balls in the air and somehow manages to keep them all up afloat. The chaos that ensues keeps things interesting. Don’t get me wrong. I write things down and make lists, but I don’t have any type of set schedule for the various things I do, unless of course I’m under a deadline of some kind. Otherwise, I do what I do when I feel like doing it. And when I get tired of doing that, I move on the next thing.

I’m currently finishing up one novel and started writing a new one while plotting and planning three others, all of which are in genres I’ve never tackled before. I have also begun co-writing a screenplay and co-writing an LGBTQ novel with another author, both of which are new to me. I am in the planning stages of another screenplay, as well. On top of it all, I am a YouTuber for the KDarlings channel, and there are plans to relaunch my own YouTube channel with humorous and informative content regarding music and books

It wasn’t long ago where I believed I would never write again. I was burned out. Nothing seemed to excite me. Writing didn’t excite me the way it once had. But the moment one of my closest friends said she was interested in working with me on a couple of projects, it was like a flame had been lit. My creative juices once again began to flow, and I was excited about life and my career. Experiencing joy and excitement about my career once more was invigorating and freeing. And inspiring.

After all, I have three daughters watching me, waiting to for me show them how life works. If I don’t show them my strength and what it takes to succeed in life, what kind of an example am I showing them?

I find myself wanting to push harder to meet my goals and constantly challenge myself to do things I’ve never done before. Complacency is no longer allowed. Which brings me back to where I started.

My busy schedule.

Manuscripts. Screenplays. Two YouTube channels. Blog posts. Social media updates.

And I don’t have a set schedule for any of it. I play it by ear every day, and every day I’m excited to get to work. After twenty-five years in the corporate world, allowing myself to follow my dreams and be a full-time author and YouTuber has been incredibly freeing.

Chasing your dreams and achieving them is something you shouldn’t be ashamed of doing. Too many cave to other people’s opinions and what others want from them instead of sticking by their convictions. More often than not, we allow people to convince us that we should conform to the norm rather than take risks to reach our goals. Not everyone gets to do what they love for a living, and the fact that I’ve been given the opportunity to do just that is a blessing.

A blessing I won’t waste.